You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
