let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
