I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
