jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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