I got chris browned last night
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
