The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
