he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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