saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Omg I joined a choir last night...
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
