Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
