apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
