I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
