So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
