So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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