I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Randomize
