Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
