Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
