Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
