If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
tonight lets celebrate not being married
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
