No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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