Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
