I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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