So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
