im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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