I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
