The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
