we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
