Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
