Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
