stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
