I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
