i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
