shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
