I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
