In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
