So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
