pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have feelings that need drinking.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
