make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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