I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Send help, water and tortillas.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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