Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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