not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
