i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
