So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
