This is not my ceiling
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She's the barista slut.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
soo... how was my night?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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