I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
