On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
