Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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