I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
