he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
