Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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