Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
