A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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