When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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