Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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