He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
