A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
