I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
