you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
