Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
