found the other keg... it's in the tree
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
